


All that matters

by m00nlight_shad0w12



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Also fluff but it's still dark, Alternate Universe - Dark, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Darkfiction!, Depression, Erwin has passed away, Ghost!Erwin, I felt so much while writing this, I want Levi to finally find some peace, Levi has to deal with his pain, M/M, Masturbation, Rimming, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, You find the spoilering TRIGGER WARNINGS at the END, very
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:42:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22266556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m00nlight_shad0w12/pseuds/m00nlight_shad0w12
Summary: Levi has lost his beloved husband Erwin through an accident and his whole world is collapsing. There's no hope left for him, nothing but this big hole in his chest he wishes nothing else than to get healed.I've got the idea for this story thanks to Saurynns beautiful art on Twitterhttps://twitter.com/saurynn/status/1214201165770100736?s=19you should definitely check it out, as well as all their other stuff, it's incredible.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	All that matters

**Author's Note:**

> "And love is a ghost that the others can't see  
> It's a danger  
> Every shade of us you fade down to keep  
> Them in the dark on who we are (oh what you do to me)  
> Gonna be the death of me  
> It's a danger  
> 'Cause our love is a ghost that the others can't see"
> 
> These beautiful lyrics from Agnes Obels song 'familiar' also inspired me so much while writing this down.
> 
> Please enjoy.

Levi has lost his beloved husband Erwin through an accident and his whole world is collapsing. His friends try to be there for him, distract him or just spend some time together and Levi let's it all happen, feeling nothing but hollow inside. Somehow time passes by and and everybody tells him life goes on.

There's no aim, no purpose, everything Levi feels is this hole in his chest, leaving him nothing but empty. He is suffering, life has lost all its colors and every day is full of darkness and pain.  
Only a short time after the accident he moves in with Hanji because she tells him being alone now, is the worst he can do. 

So he's not alone. Hanji tries to spend as much time with him as possible but in the end that doesn't change much. 

Hanji, Mike and Nanaba help him to empty the apartment he shared with his husband and to Levi it feels like cutting his own limbs one by one, opening his wounds even more.  
He wants to scream, but instead he says nothing. Levi doesn't want to give up these sacred rooms he shared with the only man he ever truly loved. But he had to accept the fact that he just wasn't able to afford that much space in his own, so he said yes.  
When they are done Levi looks back into the empty rooms, once filled with love and affection he doesn't understand how his feet are still able to hold him.  
His whole body is on pain and all that's keeping him focused is the only thing he has kept from HIM. Levi can't even bring himself to think the name, it would break him.  
The necklace with the green sparkling smaragd in it, his man had worn all the time is cutting into the flesh of his hand, keeping him somewhat grounded.

Levi really tries, he does more sports, tries to really participate mentally when his friends meet together. He knows they all are really trying, he appreciates that.  
But all that happens is him getting reminded in all these small situations that Erwin was there with him or for him and now he's not. 

When there were decisions to be made and Levi couldn't bring himself to care enough, Erwin would have been there to make the decision for him, always knowing what his small husband needed right then.  
Now when he gets asked something an overall sense of oppression overcomes him, stuttering that he just doesn't know under his friends worried expressions hovering over him. 

When there were some irregularities at work and Levi cursed and boiled with anger, Erwin would have been there to softly hold Levi against his chest to stroke with warm hands over the short hairs in his neck and whisper soothing things into his ear.  
Now he doesn't even care in the first place, he let's things happen and can not connect any considerable feeling to it. He just functions. 

If Hanji probes him long enough on the matter and Levi tells her about it, his friend is the one trying to argue that those morons don't know shit about Levi and can't even begin to understand what he's going through at the moment.  
Levi can barely focus on her words, starring with empty eyes and asking himself if ANYBODY could EVER understand how he feels. 

After a few weeks the strange feeling starts. When he is alone in a room for a short moment (Hanji makes sure to make everything together, so there barely is a moment like this) Levi feels something. It's hard to describe or to put it into words, but he feels something like a presence, when there's obviously no one near him.  
A few times it's only like a small breeze and when Levi checks, all the windows and doors are closed.  
Or he feels a hot sparkle on his skin, making him shiver. It’s like something tickling in his chest, which feels much heavier with time.  
Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter anyways, Levi tells himself.

Many weeks have past and Levis longing is so huge that he’s lying on his bed, touching himself for the first time since the accident.  
His naked body is pressed backside down against the sheets beneath him. The fingers of his right hand are wrapped around his shaft, meanwhile the other is grasped tightly around his husbands necklace.  
Soft gasps escape his throat while he's stroking himself slowly. He's closing his glazed eyes, picturing the man he loves with all his being.  
Tears escape the corners of his eyes, rolling down his pale cheeks. A shudder runs through his body and his chest trembles under a heavy sob.  
'I need you so much, Erwin', he cries out trembling under the tears and pain. He hasn't sad the name out loud for weeks and it appears kind of unreal now.

He doesn't stop the movement of his hand, biting his lip so hard that he tastes blood and pain and arousal mix up under his hot skin.  
The pain sits so deep in his chest, like a ton of cement weighing heavily on it, which leaves almost no space to breathe. 

At the same time overwhelming realistic memories of Erwin touching him, overcome Levi.  
How the blond man peppered him with light kisses all over his sensitive skin, while clearing his path over Levi's chest down to his belly.  
How he finally lapped teasingly over Levi's leaking erection before he sucked him completely into his warm mouth cavity.  
A deep moan escapes Levi's throat, it's just as if he could really FEEL Erwins tongue and mouth doing exactly that and his own grip around his dick tightens, fingers moving faster. 

Levi's moves gasping on the sheets when he feels the hot lips moving further down, hot breathe against his most intimate areas. The moist tongue lapping softly around his hole before it enters playfully into his hot insides. 

'Haarhg', an uncontrolled moan escapes his lips and his body rears from the bed. Levis tearful eyes open wide at the sensation between his legs. Because it's still there, it's no memory. He actually FEELS the tongue. His gaze falls between his wide spread legs, he is alone. What's going on? 

At least that's how it seems at first, because he still senses Erwins so familiar tongue hot against his skin. He blinks a few times, trying to figure out more through the veil of tears disturbing his view. It seems as if he could make out milky outlines standing out from the sheets, the outlines of a man. Of HIS man.  
He should probably scream or jump from the bed, but he can't move, only stare with heavy breathe. 

He feels it. He feels Erwin. As if he wouldn't be alone anymore. For the first time in almost three months he isn't alone anymore. A small sob leaves his chest, is he going insane now? 

'Erwin?' he whispers in a scratchy voice. It's hurts pronouncing the name, it hurts so much. The left hand on his breast claws so hard around the necklace that his fingers start to get numb. But that doesn't matter. Nothing else matters when he really sees an appearance of Erwin there in front of him. 

In this moment his small frame rises again from the sheets, as the tongue enters him even deeper and the sobs shaking his body mix up with a deep needing moan. 

There exists only one man who Levi has let so intimately near him as in this very moment. Every rational thinking would tell him that it's impossible but Levi can't dement what he's feeling. And sure as hell he wouldn't start to question his sensations too much, fearing to destroy this moment. 

Maybe it's just a dream, damn a fucking good one, or he really is going insane, what does it even matt~ 'ahhr' it escapes his mouth, as in this moment he feels big hands on his hips. Hands wrapping warm and protective around him and thumbs digging into his flesh, causing a tingling pain - exactly how Erwin always had done it. 

Levi closes his eyes, imagining Erwin kneeling between his legs and observing him with a hungry glance. Iceblue eyes wander slowly over his naked body before he licks his lips and bends further over him, whispering into his ear, 'You are beautiful Levi. Let me show you my love for you.'

When their lips finally meet, Levi can't tell anymore what's a memory and what is real. Everything appears kind of foggy.  
But he doesn't care, he feels Erwin and that's everything that matters. Erwin is with him.  
Levi feels the heat between their bodies, how his fingertips travel over the strong features of Erwins back muscles, how the blond man is hovering over him.  
Erwin let's one hand slide between them, enclosing Levi's hand still clinging to his shaft. The big thumb brushes with low pressure over the already moist shimmering head and Levi moans yearning.  
'I want you to feel good, Levi' It's like a soft hint of Erwins velvet voice against his ear.  
'Yes, Erwin. Please', he whispers back, hearing his voice like a muffled sound in his own head. By now everything is like a dream and Levi stops questioning. 

He gives in to the warm feeling, spreading in his chest, letting the cement crumble into small pieces until it just all melts and blends into this feeling of warm pleasure, safety and satisfaction. Levi's breathe goes slower and deeper, he finally feels like breathing finally free again.

And he can feel the tickling heat in his groin, Erwins hands moving further down again, over the insights of his slim thighs and the porcelain white skin of his ass cheeks.  
One hand finally wanders in between and talented fingers find their way back towards his entrance.  
Expectantly, Levi leans into the touch, feeling the fingers brushing his inner walls. 

His lips let escape a gasp when by now three fingers are in him, finding his prostate, moving in cycles.  
'AHHH Erwin, I need you so much.'  
A short stitch sinks into his breast, getting overflown by Erwins presence only a moment later.  
'Baby, I'm here.' More and more moans leave Levi's throat, while he now moves himself longing on Erwins fingers while he feels soft kisses and greedy lips on his hot skin. 

At some point the warm hand finally turn him around, stomach pressed onto the sheets. Or he's turning on his own?  
All his thoughts dare to slip away the moment he feels cold emptiness flooding his stretched hole and a cold breeze brushes over his overheated skin.  
He whimpers despaired and his left hand clings even tighter than before around Erwins necklace. There's pain, but it doesn't matter if he only can feel Erwin again. 

'Erwin', it slips sobbing from his mouth when anxious tightness starts to spread in his chest once again.  
'I'm here, baby. Everything's going to be fine.' Erwins soothing voice sounds distantly.  
Only a moment later Levi feels the warm hand back on his hip, pulling him gentle into position. 

A noise leaves Levi's lips when he feels something hot and throbbing pressed against his entrance. Erwin is bending over him and pushing into Levi's hole. 'We will become one, Levi. Our love will let us melt together.', the blond man whispers hot against his ear. 

Levi's breathe fastens, his mouth feels dry. An aching pain, changing more and more into pleasure and lust. Erwin is with him. Erwin is in him.  
It's like a releasing moan when all his muscles finally relax and there's nothing more than Erwin and him.  
His man starts to move, sliding hot against Levi's throbbing inner walls, maltreating his sweet spot so good that he gasps for air, seeing nothing but white in front of his closed eyes.

His breathe fastens more and more, heatwaves make him shudder with arousal, one moan follows another.  
It's like an intoxication. Levi feels how his eyes roll back, his mouth is gasping wide open and he has the feeling of not getting enough air anymore.

Is it Erwins warm hand taking the air from his small throat? He can't tell, actually there's nothing he can tell anymore, only feel. And despite the lack of air he feels incredibly light and warm. Feeling Erwin is all that matters.

The wave of lust increases into immeasurable highs when the hand around his dick finally rides him through an incredible orgasm.  
Levi is sure that he never lived it more intense than now.  
It seems to find no end and Levi isn't able to perceive any of his surroundings, everything seems so clouded, warm and satisfying.  
The only thing he still feels pressing still hard and painful into his flesh is Erwins necklace in his hand. 

He realizes it's the sheets under him, even though they appear more like cotton when he gets put back down on them.  
Erwins finger leave him not a second and he is so grateful that his man slides onto the sheets next to him. Levi gets pulled into a soft and warm embrace, his face pressed against Erwins strong neck, where he layed already so many times before.

He deeply inhales the familiar sense, listening to the sound of rattling breathe, but the lovely smell is all that matters. Erwin is all that matters.  
It's heavenly, Levi feels repaired, the hole in his chest is healed.

'Thank you, Erwin', it escapes low and raw from his chapped lips.  
He feels weak, tired and exhausted. It's good like this, Erwin is holding him tight against his chest and Levi senses his husbands lips against his ear.

'Relax, little one. Just let go of all the pain. I'm here to hold you and I won't let you go. Never again, I will let you go.'  
The words resound soft inside his head and Levi feels how his heart can finally fully relax.

His whole body is incredibly light. It's good like this, it's all that matters.  
And the dark warmth lingering on the edge of his consciousness for quite some time now starts spreading slowly, letting slip Levi into the dark, a soft smile on his lips. 

.  
.  
. 

Then it's suddenly absolutely quiet in the room, no more breathing can be heard and no sound permeates the dark.

Not until a loud clicking breaks through the silence when the empty pillbox rolls from the bed. 

END//

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> -Depression   
> -Suicide
> 
> So, I thought a while about posting this or not but I guess, I wrote this to assimilate Levi's situation in the Manga and to give my bleeding heart some release.  
> May Levi finally find his peace and Erwin.
> 
> Also I want to point out that this is my FICTIONAL way of processing my feelings and that suicide should never be the final option.
> 
> If you feel hopeless in life for whatever reasons, please consider speaking with someone about it, look for help, it's out there.
> 
> Also, thank you very much for reading this, it would make me really happy to get some feedback about what my story makes you feel or think.
> 
> Stay safe.


End file.
